Classical gems

Mamos 48x30, Sun Jun 06, 2010, 3:55:41 PM, 8C, 7448x11388, (63+357), 150%, bent 6 stops, 1/40 s, R80.2, G57.3, B66.9

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Latest gem from Rick Stein while he was filming in Laconia, Greece. The word laconic comes from the taciturnity attributed to the people from that region. He retells the story of Philip II of Macedon threatening to invade and destroy Sparta after invading Greece. He sends a message to the leaders in Laconia saying,’If I invade Laconia, it will be destroyed never to rise again’. The Spartans replied with a one-word message ‘If’. He never invaded Laconia. I really must read Herodotus again. If you’ve never encountered this master historian and teller of tall tales, I urge you to rectify that error ASAP. He’s a hoot. I love that story. It almost overthrows my favourite example of a pithy message which is that sent by General Napier after he disobeyed orders and occupied Maini in the Sindh region of India. He sent a message home saying ‘Peccavi’. If you are not a latin-mass attending Roman Catholic, you need to do some research to find out why it’s such a good message.

Battlefield stories are full of these yarns. It is sometimes difficult to reconcile the indomitability of the human spirit with the agony and horrors that we are capable of. Deploring man’s warlike nature does not seem to have any effect on our behaviour. Of course, there will always come a time when we have to fight for our beliefs, in micro or in macro, with physical weapons or not. It brings to mind the old Chinese curse,’May you live in interesting times’.

Gallows humour is nothing new. One of my favourite stories is told about the US Commander Chesty Puller during the Korean War. Finding themselves outflanked by the Chinese army in the Battle of Chosin Reservoir, he said,’We’ve been looking for the enemy for some time now. We’ve finally found him. We’re surrounded. That simplifies things. Great. Now we can shoot at those bastards from every direction’. Talk about accentuating the positive. To all the warriors out there, no matter what your circumstances are – never bow down and never give in.

I leave you with another story about the Spartans. Their main meals consisted of a stew called Melas Zomos ( black broth). This gastronomic delicacy was made from pig blood, pig legs, salt and vinegar, and nothing else. Hmmmmm. Apparently the addition of vinegar was considered to be a sissy step too far, but it was included to stop the blood from clotting. That fact alone is wrong on so many levels. There’s an apocryphal story about a traveller from Sybaris (source of the word ‘sybarite’.The people from Sybaris loved their pleasures). After tasting Melas Zomos, presumably at spear-point, he said ‘No wonder the Spartans do not fear death. ‘

 

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Dinner purgatory

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We’ve all been there– there’s a snazzy new restaurant in town. You read about it in just about every newspaper and blog. You’ve finally managed to snag a table at 5.30pm (because ‘Madam we have no tables free after 6pm until the next millennium’). You can’t search the menu online because the dishes are prepared by artisans  who decide what to cook depending on the phases of the moon.Come the fateful day, you get all gussied up and skip all the way to the restaurant.

An hour and a half later, you are £150 poorer and starving to death (Madam, we will need the table by 7pm at the latest for the next seating cycle. No, I’m sorry you can’t sit at the bar). You are shaking with hypoglycaemia and your vision is blurred. You then do what you ought to have done all along–search Google for the nearest branch of Patty&Bun/Shake Shack/BurgerKing/KFC. (Delete according to level of desperation).

This excellent menu above is provided courtesy of my friend Sarah who can always be relied on for good stuff. Take it everywhere lest your dinner become a cautionary tale. If you find more than 3 items that remind you of this menu, fake an attack of botulism and get out of Dodge. In the meantime, here are some dishes providing actual sustenance (Recipes at Design Sponge blog)

Peter Meikepasta with avocadocaprese

 

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Dr Strangelove lives

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Having survived what can only be described as a perfectly ghastly week which was made bearable by the lovely people I work with, Saturday has arrived like a beacon in the darkness. It’s cold outside, and the world is apparently going to hell in a handbasket…again. I thought I would cheer you all up by reporting that scientists have discovered that seasickness can be warded off by applying what they call ‘ a short electric shock‘ to the head just before you get on the boat. The comedy applications of this are obviously limitless. Apparently, they are now trying to develop a smaller gadget that can plug into your mobile phone, thereby providing the portable electrocution device the world has been crying out for. What could go wrong when you are administering electric shocks in the wettest environment you can envisage?

This is why I love science and scientists so much. Whatever they are being paid, it’s not enough. I should admit that the scientific principle is actually very sound. However, that takes all the fun out of the scenario. I leave you with a quote from the Daily Mail- ‘A mild electric shock to the scalp makes the feelings of nausea go away, according to experts at Imperial College London’. Yep, that’s because you’ve just toppled into the Solent in shock.

Study leader Dr Qadeer Arshad, of Imperial’s department of medicine, said: ‘We are confident that within five to 10 years people will be able to walk into the chemist and buy an anti-seasickness device.

‘It may be something like a TENS [transcutaneous electrical nerve stimulation] machine that is used for back pain.‘We hope it might even integrate with a mobile phone, which would be able to deliver the small amount of electricity required via the headphone jack.

You might want to make a mental note not to put your phone in your jeans pocket. To all the singletons out there, I should mention that the chances of you hooking up with your narcissistic object-choice after they’ve seen you applying electrodes to your temples are precisely nil, or maybe not……… Scientists everywhere, I want you to know my love for you knows no bounds.

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