Emotion, Schemotion.

Excellent week where it did not snow. Yeah, yeah, it’s really priddy, until you have to wade through the wretched stuff. Love it if I have the weekend off, not so keen if I have to go to work. Best story this week is the one about Zoe Kravitz telling us to let it all out-forget the stiff upper lip. If someone asks how we are, we should tell them, in detail. I can hear all of Britain going “Eek!”. Zo, darling, seriously no. Wrong on so many levels. Reminds me of that crazy guy with the ‘Tube Chat’ badges. Americans, eh? What are they like?

Should you meet an acquaintance in the street, even though you are applying a cut-throat razor to your wrist with tears streaming down your face, if they ask how you are, the correct British response is “Musn’t grumble”. You may go as far as to suggest that you are “ticking along” but even that can be considered as extremely skittish. Your acquaintance will then tactfully ignore the razor and/or tears and make a comment about the unseasonal weather. In the event of you actually then using said razor, they will be allowed to exclaim, “Gosh! I suppose I’d better call an ambulance.” At no point should either participant talk about their divorce, psychotic spouse, or case of herpes. This is the least a civilised society can ask for, I think we can all agree.

It reminds me of the joke about the guy who joined a Trappist monastery, taking on the famous vow of silence. They were allowed to speak four words to the Abbot at every fifth anniversary. At the first 5-year anniversary, he said “I hate the food.” The second time, he said ” My bed is uncomfortable.” At the 15-year anniversary, he told the Abbot: “I want to leave.” To which the Abbot replied, “Thank God for that. you’ve done nothing but moan since you got here.”

Enjoy the lovely images I have selected for you today. Even in Britain, you are allowed to enthuse about good design because only a soulless cretin does not appreciate good design. Have a fab yet restrained weekend. Toodle pip.

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Is There A Doctor In The House?

Second week of the year and the festive season already seems like a distant memory. Never fear, we at AlaraApothecary are here to cheer. (We’re poets and we do know it!). Anyhoo, Moron of the Year is becoming a hotly-contested title already. No.1 favourite thus far is the genius at NHS England who informed the general public that we should not visit A&E unless we are suffering from a ‘life-threatening illness’. Hmmm. Yes, I’ll just diagnose myself to see if I have a life-threatening illness using that handy medical degree I cut out from the back of my cereal box. Nitwit. Should you be foolish enough to follow his advice, once you as a non-medical Joe/Joanna Bloggs have diagnosed that life-threatening emergency, cut out the middle man; don’t go to A&E, call the funeral director. You’re probably a goner.

Favourite story of the week is the landlord who sent out the new criteria for renting out his properties to his managers – ‘no single fathers, no zero-contract hours workers, no benefits recipients and no plumbers’. Yes, he’s a fine model of a human being, but no plumbers? Turns out he has over 120 properties and feels that plumbers constantly rip him off 🙂 A business model based on irrational fears, I like it. Listen mate, it’s the electricians you want to watch out for. All plumbers are scholars and gentlemen. (Please don’t write in….)

Procrastinator of the week who lovingly follows my motto of ‘why put off till tomorrow what you can put off till the day after’ is Twitter user Simon Lennon who says ‘I’d love to say “New Year, new me” but I’m only two stamps away from a free meal with my KFC loyalty card. Silly to ruin that now….’ Simon, Simon, now if it’d been Nando’s….. Still the Colonel is not to be taken lightly, I can sympathize. If you do suffer from a life-threatening emergency, say atherosclerosis brought on by too many kale-free food choices, I will be uploading a handy diagram showing you how to insert your own coronary stent in 5 easy steps. Have a good one.

(Photos: Rockstar chandelier, Corbett lighting; Klimt metal cabinet, Ingrid Donat; Feather & Leaves ceramic, Hitomi Hisono( genius!!!!); Planter table, Emily Wettstein)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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A Chorus Of Disapproval

Happy new year, dear readers. I thought I would start you off with some of Gary “Boy Genius” Larson’s excellent cartoons. 2017 is going to be a better year than 2016, mos’ def. We already have a nominee for Humanitarian of the Year. A billionaire in the US has been funding a secret project to develop robots that will be able to hire and fire staff without ’emotions getting in the way’. Emotions, you say. Yeah, things like compassion, humanity, empathy: all that stuff that is so unnecessary in the workplace. What with management and HR departments being notorious for their soft-heartedness, we need to kick it up to the next level. Yes, I am a manager…. Physician, heal thyself??? Coincidentally, I was watching Elysium over the bank holiday. I guess science fiction isn’t fiction anymore. I was really ticked off that the company refused to make a comment – dude, seriously, have the guts to speak up for your convictions. I look forward to the day when I hear one of these guys have the nerve to say “Yes, we are doing the right thing. We need to treat our employees with as little humanity as possible, and make as much money as possible. I want to buy the Palace of Versailles, and it has to be paid for somehow!”. At least you can respect that. I believe the figure generally touted is to reduce the human population at the top of the tree to 500,000 with say another 5 million to mow the lawn and clean the pool etc. Guess what? You’re not one of 500,000 🙂

Word to the wise for the would-be masters of the universe out there – when the time comes to decimate the Earth, you won’t get to keep the illusion that you are a good person. There is no neutral ground. You will have passed that Rubicon ages ago so save time, embrace your inner psychopath. Start with small animals…….

I leave you with this extremely cool poem by Sophie Hannah:

If People Disapprove Of You.

By Sophie Hannah.

Make being disapproved of your hobby.
Make being disapproved of your aim.
Devise new ways of scoring points
In the Being Disapproved Of Game.

Let them disapprove in their dozens.
Let them disapprove in their hordes.
You’ll find that being disapproved of
Builds character, brings rewards.

Just like any form of striving
Don’t be arrogant; don’t coast
On your high disapproval rating.
Try to be disapproved of most.

At this point, if it’s useful,
Draw a pie chart or a graph.
Show it to someone who disapproves.
When they disapprove, just laugh.

Count the emotions you provoke:
Anger, suspicion, shock.
One point for each of these
And two for each boat you rock.

Feel yourself warming to your task –
You do it bloody well.
A last you’ve found an area
In which you can excel.

Savour the thrill of risk without
The fear of getting caught.
Whether they sulk or scream or pout,
Enjoy your new-found sport.

Meanwhile all those who disapprove
While you are having fun
Won’t even know your game exists
So tell yourself you’ve won.

This post is dedicated to Sorrel, delinquent extraordinaire. 2017- don’t go gently into that dark night.  Have a terrific year, one and all (even putative masters of the universe 🙂 )

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