Least Expensivest

Let’s get the business bit out of the way. Because we are AlaraApothecary and our aim is to help you survive post-lockdown confusion in style, we are launching 3 Wellness sets : Rosa, Citrus Burst, and Honeysuckle. Ta-dah! Each one contains 1 x 50ml cream, 1 x 100ml body oil, and 1 x 100ml body cleanser, comes in a nifty eco-certified linen bag, and costs £20. A quick check by the clued-up will show these 3 items would ordinarily cost £41 so it’s obvs a bargain. You can’t get to the countryside? Let the countryside come to you in a jar or a bottle.

Actually the idea is to offer something that is affordable which you can buy as a treat for yourself or someone else – God knows we all need cheering up. The idea gelled as I was watching ‘The Most Expensivest’. Since the lockdown started, I’ve found I can’t watch anything realistic or programmes where people are being mean to one another. Exception? The Blacklist, obvs. But then it’s really like a cartoon anyway; Raymond Reddington is a fantasy figure. So, I’ve been watching stuff like ‘The Most Expensivest’ which is a hoot. Watching 2 Chainz in a succession of highly extravagant outfits proferring one ludicrously expensive item after another for our delectation is a blast. I can live without his constant throwing of the devil horns but other than that, highly recommended. I pretty much want every crazy item he covers – gold-inlaid bamboo fishing rods that cost $12,000 each? You bet. And no, I can’t fish. What’s your point? 🙂 My fave thus far is the customised truck that costs $380,000. You can have a rifle mount fitted to the back, and it’s called The Velociraptor. No, I can’t shoot either….. It’s a must-have, for real. Anyway, though I have nothing but max respect for the workmanship involved in making these products, I really just want to make something nice that people who aren’t gazillionaires/crazy/ spendthrifts* (*delete as applicable) can enjoy. Hence the Wellness Sets. The products smell amazing; buy one for yourself and everyone you know, today.

What else? I’ve been watching ‘Another Life’ which is a sci-fi series starring Katee Sackhoff aka the inimitable Starbuck from Battlestar Galactica. You haven’t seen Battlestar Galactica? What exactly have you done with your life thus far? Get the box set ASAP (after buying a Wellness Set, of course), and I’ll see you in 3 weeks’ time. It is amazingly good. Anyway, ‘Another Life’ is not as high-voltage but it has everything – psychopathic astronauts, homicidal plant-life and spider-like beings on alien planets, morally-ambiguous captains, inscrutable alien artifacts – sci-fi heaven. I’ve also been reading John Bude mysteries from The British Library Crime Classics range. He’s very funny and people get what they deserve in his books, so not too lifelike then 🙂 Now that we are all obviously not at risk of imminent demise, I leave you with some of my favourite memes. The best is the Mother ‘home-schooling’ her child. Priceless. Have a great weekend.

According to Matt, when it gets to Lemon & Herb, we can all go to the pub again.
Absolute all-time favourite

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My Last Nerve

Coconut Beach, Badagry, Lagos

Another week in paradise. Just kidding. It’s been another rubbish week in Lockdown, UK and to say that it’s getting on my absolute, final, last nerve is an understatement. Our government seems to be running around like headless chickens, scaling one level of ineptitude after another. It would seem that having initiated a panicked lockdown, it never occured to them that an exit strategy might be needed. Or perhaps the intention was to keep us locked up for ever. As for the Neil Ferguson saga, to quote Oscar Wilde, you’d need a heart of stone not to laugh. Hoist, petard, are words that come to mind. It couldn’t happen to a nicer guy.

If I seem a tad upset, it’s because we are now dealing with what one of my favourite doctors is calling Covid-collateral. These are the patients who have become terminal whilst the hospitals and hospices have been emptied, and who have been denied secondary care because of Covid-19 panic. Their poor families are now having to provide end-of-life care that they are unqualified for. The steady stream of bewildered spouses that we now have to advise about syringe drivers and breakthrough pain and other stuff which I pray you remain ignorant about for a very long time, would break your heart. My pal has lost 5 such patients in this week alone. So, no, I am not particularly keen on endless lockdowns until absolutely no one dies of anything at all because I do not have the luxury of blissful ignorance. This lockdown will end up killing more people in the UK than Covid-19 does, but the numbers will be disguised under heart disease, and cancer, and diabetes etc etc. I can’t tell you what a fabulous job MacMillan nurses and Marie Curie are doing at the moment. God’s blessing and favour on you all. Apparently, we won’t be let out until lightning strikes No.10 and burns it to the ground. Actually while God is scattering lightning strikes, may I also recommend the houses of parliament and Lambeth Palace. Our legislators and the Church seem to have abdicated all responsibility so what exactly are they for? The big announcement is coming this weekend – perhaps we might be able to see our friends and families without getting fined! I think I’ve fallen asleep and woken up in some deranged parallel universe.

Rant over, but I just thought people should be aware of the disaster building up behind the scenes. But because this is AlaraApothecary and we do not aim to depress you, I leave you with some of the funny stuff I’ve read this week. I’ve stolen this wholesale from Reader’s Digest but I’m sure they won’t mind as it’s for a good cause. God knows we all need cheering up. Keep on keeping on, and remember don’t be afraid. Well, actually, be a little afraid of the murder hornets 🙂 Bzzzz, Bzzzz. Have a good one.

25 Jokes the Internet Is Already Making About Murder Hornets

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We Are Sailing

Hutt Lagoon, Australia.
The moon 🙂

First the good news – despite the frantic speculation, leaping from one improbable scenario to another, I can assure you that the lockdown is definitely coming to an end. Evidence? Exhibit A M’lud – hospitals are beginning to book appointments for the patients who have been shamefully sidelined to cope with a crisis which is obviously not coming. Exhibit B – the testing labs which moved all their staff to other departments to increase capacity for testing for Covid-19 have moved staff back to their original jobs, testing for benign and unimportant conditions like sepsis and cancer. Forgive me if I have a sense-of -humour failure but exposure to the press makes me feel like the captain of the ship of fools. It’s just been really hard to view the distress of people with life-threatening illnesses being left in limbo while our sheep-dip-for-brains leaders lurch from one position of indecision to another.

Despite the tomfoolery being posted in social media, I can assure you that most ‘essential workers’ do not spend their time making TikTok videos. The stress that is experienced by the staff in those empty hospitals is palpable as they work 12-hour shifts practising endless drills. Constant adrenaline is not something the body is tailored to withstand; please ignore the damnfool videos. The hardest part of each day? Projecting calm reassurance for the patients. If we freak out, they freak out. Nevertheless, I still think we are better off than those who are at home 24/7, worrying about their jobs, worrying about money. So many jobs have been lost that it’s really difficult to imagine what the country will look like post-lockdown. Why the decision is being dragged out, I for one cannot fathom. There is no way to know what will happen although it is quite obvious that as predicted, the levels will tail off as the temperature rises. The only viable option is to get everyone back to work so that we have a chance of rescuing what is left of the economy. As most of the country seems to regard other people as walking vessels of infection thanks to the wretched media, the hardship will be in getting people to socialise again apparently.

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