A Riotous Assembly

This week has been so rich in comedy, I hardly know where to begin. My favourite story was about the couple in the West Country (of course 🙂 ) who decided to practice the famous Dirty Dancing lift in anticipation of their wedding showpiece dance next year. Yes, this excellent idea sprouted after some time in the pub. Now, Andy and Sharon Price seem to be terrific funsters but lithe they are not. So after a few bevvies, out they went to practise the dance shown below:

What could go wrong, I hear you ask? Suffice to say that they crashed into one another with one of the falling down unconscious. The other one ran to their aid, crashed over, and both of them ended up concussed in A & E. This is a picture of them pre-ambulance:

Comedy gold, I’m sure you’ll agree. My only regret is that I don’t know them so I won’t be at the wedding. I suspect it will be an absolute blast.

Next up was the Czech entrepeneur (female) who came up with a beer specially brewed for ‘the ladies’ which she has cunningly packaged in pearlised bottles and sold in pink boxes. No, not in an ironic post-feminist way. Aurosa beer was created by Martina Smirova and it has been met with the expected sense of humour-bypass by the Twitterati. Me, I think she’s a publicity genius. She’s got tons of coverage for an essentially unknown product. Martina, I salute you while drinking your beer from a Babycham glass with my pinky finger sticking out in a dainty, ladylike manner. I think we should all support Martina as she obviously has a very droll sense of humour. Coming soon to a store near you, pink glitter-trimmed saws, power drills and gravimetric arrays in case you want to build your own girl-empowered Space Station.

Last but by no means the least, I bring you the supersmart scientists at the University of Utah. In a stunning breakthrough, they have discovered that fake boobs can save your life. After running extensive tests, they have found that breast implants can slow bullet speeds down by up to 20% thereby reducing possibly-fatal damage. They can also protect you in the event of a stabbing or in an accident, presumably working as the equivalent of your very own portable air bags. They used implants that would correspond to a D-cup. You have questions you say? Yes, the lead researcher was indeed a man. No, as far as I am aware it will not be mandatory for all soldiers and law enforcement personnel to have a boob job. Yes, I am as sorry as you are to hear that; I was rather looking forward to the US Army and the Russian Army being fitted with DD-cups, especially the men. Putin would look even more spectacular during one of his barechested horseriding escapades if he had a set of fake boobs attached. I truly believe this is an idea which has been long overdue in germination. Now, who’s with me?…………..