Jersey: Part Deux

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Back in London now and of course it’s as though I never left. No matter how much fun I have away from home, I’m always so glad to get back to my own home and my own bed and my own mugs. I’m sure the Germans or the Finns have a word for it.

Before I continue my list of excellent things about Jersey, I would like to lament the dearth of fish and chip shops on the island. There isn’t one in either St. Peter or St. Aubin, not even a bad one.

Conversation with Kate at work following my mentioning a craving for seafood.

Kate: Well, you could take a bus or taxi to St.Helier and pick up some fish and chips from there.

Me: Seriously???? No!

How can this be? There are more chippies on Chiswick High Road alone, than in both these areas. Note to the parish councils of Jersey: it’s an island. Please address this unconscionable omission forthwith.

So, more excellent things about Jersey:

  • Kathy seizing a seagull which was bomb-diving her daughter, grabbing it by the neck and punching it in the face. You would understand how funny this would have looked if you knew Kathy- she makes Audrey Hepburn look like a heffalump
  • The ridiculously comfortable and spotlessly-clean Porthole Suites in St.Aubin. I had to drag myself away from my room and make myself go to work. Highly recommended
  • The tendency of traffic jams to be caused by cows taking their time in crossing the road
  • The rabbits playing hide and seek in the woods. Fun to watch for walkers while probably provoking a deep hatred in the local gardeners
  • The wonderful sculpture and plaque at La Corbière, commemorating the survival of the victims of a local shipwreck
  • Aaron’s craving for phonecalls at work. This may not be as requested but still, big shout going out to Aaron 🙂
  • Karren’s  onesie-wearing, fetch-loving, crazy cat who thinks he’s a dog. He’s called Wispa because he can’t purr loudly. Her tabby-cat is called Crunchie…..
  • Jersey Royals, obviously; not messed about with- just boiled with lashings of salt and butter. Incredible. I have to admit to being partial to eating them with some slices of Prosciutto as well but the plain option is the superior one

So, all in all, a big thumbs-up for Jersey. Back in England, I leave you with the story of a printer who made a tiny yet significant error in the Easter banners for a local church:

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He didn’t notice it until one of his customers asked who Chris was. Comedy gold. Here is one of my favourite paintings of the resurrection: Noli me tangere by Fra Bartolomeo:

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Christ is risen indeed. A very happy Easter to all our customers of whatever religious or non-religious persuasion. Remember, chocolate is full of flavonoids, it’s practically a health food when compared to say, Uranium. I’m a Pharmacist, I wouldn’t lie to you.

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Jersey Royale

Route to La Corbière

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Harbour at St. Aubin

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View from my hotel room

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I’ve been working in Jersey over the last week and finally got a chance to do some exploring this weekend. Contrary to a friend’s accusation, I have not come here to spend some quality time with my money, more’s the pity 🙂

Excellent things I’ve enjoyed about Jersey thus far:

  • Green-thumbed Kathy and her giant policeman-hating wolf which she insists is a harmless German Shepherd. I sincerely believe the ‘plants’ in Kathy’s well-guarded ‘fruit cage’ need to be further investigated…….
  • Lateral-thinker extraordinaire Karren whose hobby is driving psychologists crazy. When asked whether she would consider a glass of water to be half-full or half-empty, she replied that it depended on whether you started with an empty glass and added water to it, in which case it was obviously half-full. However, if you started with a full glass and emptied out half the contents, then obviously, the glass is half-empty. Seemples. The psychologist is now in a padded cell and has acquired his own psychiatric team. I have informed Karren that attempting to explain this concept to poor bystanders over and over again absolutely does not help
  • The walk from St. Aubin to Corbière, meeting lots of friendly fellow-ramblers. Watching a disorderly group of dogs creating havoc, racing each other and running around, absolutely demented with joy at meeting one another
  • Watching the present humans greeting each other with civilised nods and smiles whilst not at all running around, demented with joy at meeting one another. I bet we were all wishing we could though…
  • The riotous birdsong. Birds are a VGT (very good thing). A parliament of owls, an ostentation of peacocks, a conspiracy of ravens, a mob of emus, and my personal favourite, an exaltation of larks
  • I just made up a new one that is long overdue: a mugging of seagulls

Hope you all have a terrific week.

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Pennies From Heaven

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It never rains but it pours. After a few months of dealing with human perfidy, possessed machinery and what I can only describe as a state of entropy, this week did not hold much promise. Having dragged myself to church on Sunday evening despite feeling like death warmed-up all weekend, I was rather childishly pleased to be given some sweet daffodils after the service.

But here comes Monday with more palaver, the daffs totally forgotten. Then yesterday, out of the blue, one of the customers comes marching through the shop to the back where I was relating my latest conspiracy theory about the war in Syria to my resigned colleagues instead of working, and handed me a bunch of flowers, saying ‘These are for you’. I was absolutely gobsmacked, barely managing to say’ Thank you’. I didn’t have a clue who this guy was, never seen him before. It was absolutely wonderful, totally made my day.

Funny thing was, I then spent the next hour obsessing about it. Who was he, why did he get me the flowers, had he seen me somewhere else before etc etc, ad infinitum. I’m an inveterate puzzler, everything has to make sense or it drives me crazy-hence my love for science. My colleagues of course found this funny and told me to get a grip. In the end, Waleed said ‘God sent him to give you flowers. Accept it, and deal with it’. That amazed me because he’s not a guy given to whimsy ordinarily. I have decided to absolutely look at it in that light; flowers from God, twice in one week. What could be better than that? Nothing, that’s what. Thanks, Papacita 😉

Finally, breaking news to brighten your day. A spokesman from TFL has urged us all to avoid using Victoria Station during the rush hour because of overcrowding. Apparently, if we all take care to avoid the station between 8am and 9am, that would make our journeys ‘more convenient and faster‘. Of course we would all get fired for arriving at work one hour late every day, but I think we can all agree that is a small price to pay if it makes life easier for the management at our beloved TFL. What a great idea! But why stop  there? If all passengers would buy an annual oyster card but stay off the tube completely, life would be so much easier for TFL and there would be bumper bonuses all round. The trains would be cleaner and faster, they wouldn’t even have to make any stops at all. That spokesman didn’t go far enough, really he missed a trick there. In addition, if all sick people could please remember to stay away from their GPs and hospitals, the NHS would be revitalised in no time at all. To quote Asterix who is a philosopher on par with Aristotle, ‘Idiotix’. Have a fab and groovy day.

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The Kindness Of Strangers

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Day off today, well, sort of. I spent the morning sorting out malfunctioning telephones, cream jars, and finalising the order for the next batch of labels. I finally kicked back about 30 minutes ago and started reading our local residents journal. It was the usual mix of the latest trendy restaurants, boutiques, and houses I can’t afford…yet 🙂 Nirvana, in other words. However, I was much struck by one of the letters sent in, which I quote in full–‘To the woman I helped up near Ealing Broadway station; don’t be embarrassed. You said you were mortified but the rain was coming down so hard, anyone could have slipped on the pavement. Glad you’re okay and don’t worry- not many people saw it happen. ‘- Mr Lustig.

It was that last bit that hooked me. Isn’t that just the loveliest letter. Even after the event, this guy took the time to still try and reassure the woman. I think kindness is the best and most underrated of all the virtues— I also think it’s the rarest one of all. It made me think of an incident that happened to me at work last week where I made an error which led to someone else running around all weekend, trying to figure out what the hell I’d done.

There was therefore a lot of going back and forth but what struck me about all my interactions with my colleague was how kind she was about trying to make me feel better about my stupid schoolboy error. Even over the phone, her kindness came through loud and clear, and I thought about how unusual that is. Invariably, when people sort out a problem you’ve caused, even when they tell you not to worry, you can tell they’d love to smack you around the head, quite rightly! I was just really touched by her grace and just sheer niceness, fixing everything and calling to let me know it was all resolved. So, Aliyah, please step forward and take a bow. You are a credit to the human race. I’ve been really lucky to meet some excellent people lately. So Aliyah, Camille, Pamela, Zara, Hardik and Moh, Sharif, Tofael & Ibrahim, I hope these images brighten up your day. You’re all so cool, you’re frosty.

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When the moon hits your eye….

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After surviving a truly terrifying day dealing with the crazier portion of the general public yesterday, I have had a much more tranquil day, mostly because I’ve had a day off, safe from the lunatics out there. There is no power on this Earth that can convince me that a full moon does not affect a significant percentage of the human race adversely. If you don’t believe me, ask any healthcare professional. If they disagree with me, they are obviously idiots and I’m still right anyway. You think the moon may be affecting me as well? Ridiculous idea.

Anyway, I love the moon. It’s my favourite foreign body.. I am inclined to paint it rather obsessively, but unfortunately not with the artistic talent of my boy Vincent. I’m always amazed that such a piece of barren rock can bring out the romantic in most human beings. Just think of the names we’ve given to different sites on the moon–Mare Nectaris, the Sea of Nectar; Mare Fecunditatis, the Sea of Fertility; Mare Crisium, the Sea of Crises, and my personal fave, Mare Tranquilitatis, the Sea of Tranquility. Who doesn’t want to go for a swim in the Sea of Tranquility? Exactly.                                 You just know it’ll be greeny-blue and warm as a bath and there’ll be dolphins and coral and porpoises and clownfish…….

I’m going to pull on my flak jacket and put on my (tinfoil-lined) hard hat until the moon starts to wane and sanity is restored world wide. I leave you with my favourite moon-conspiracy theory picture 🙂

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Plus, do you know why we can see total eclipses of the Sun from Earth? It’s because the Sun is 400 times further from the Earth than the Moon is, whilst the Moon is 400 times smaller than the Sun, give or take. Isn’t that incredible? I can’t tell you how much it cheers me up to think of God taking the trouble, working it all out with his protractor and set square 🙂 AlaraApothecary: we bring you all the facts that matter. Have a fab and groovy day.

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