Ooh, Mr Darcy!

Now that the weather is improving, I’m strongly tempted to start a series of posts based on travel and food. In this way, I can have fun whilst pretending that I’m doing it all for my readers. This is what we apothecaries like to call a win-win situation. This weekend, I visited Bath for the first time, accompanied by my partner-in-crime Sarah, who foolishly volunteered to accompany me on one of my jaunts. I did initially consider going for a theme of pure cheesiness on these visits i.e a bath in Bath, eating a banana in Split, eating a piece of gateau in the Black Forest….. but good sense, and taste prevailed. My cardiologist is relieved, as all my ideas seemed to revolve around eating something calorific in a scenic spot 🙂

Anyway, Bath: be still my beating heart. It is a ridiculously beautiful city, jam-packed with people intent on having fun. I was strongly reminded of Rome, a cleaner, less ancient Rome anyway. That beautiful Bath stone which seems to emit its own gleam and lustre; I was quite taken aback to see how lovely it all managed to seem without any of that dreadful quaintness. Can I just say though, Charlotte St car park has the smallest parking spaces known to man. I may not be a skinny mini, but I shouldn’t need to do a sideways limbo to exit my car. We were there (in Bath, not the car park) for about five hours and did not even see half of the stuff we wanted to see.

The Royal Crescent did not disappoint. If I could just combine say three of those houses, I just might have the perfect house. Greedy, moi? Perish the thought. We also went to Bath Abbey because I had to see the famous ladders of ascending and descending angels carved into the facade as described in the Inspector Diamond novels by Peter Lovesey. The books are excellent, by the way. What else? Pulteney Bridge, a gazillion shops full of swanky goodies, the frenetic swirl of water over the weir (they had ‘No Diving’ signs on the bridge parapet. What manner of maniac would dive into a weir, making such a sign necessary? Pazzo, as we don’t say in Bath). The highlight of the day was the Jane Austen Centre. Considering the fact that Sarah says that watching ‘Pride & Prejudice’ was ‘the longest six hours of my life’ (the philistine!), we loved it. We stuffed our faces with the afternoon tea (highly recommended. The Russian Caravan tea was superb), and then visited the exhibition in the company of some American girls who were in anarchic mode. We tried on several hideous Empire line dresses, bonnets, top hats, and learned the language of fans. What I called ‘the Illuminati one-eye sign’ is apparently saying ‘I want to get acquainted’. Who’d a thunk? If you go, make sure you visit the loos. There are some queasy-making ‘facts’ on the doors that will make you very glad you live in the 21st century. We also tried our hand at writing with a quill pen and ink. Sarah, being a millenial, did not realise that you had to keep dipping the pen in the ink pot 🙂 I also pressganged Sarah into taking a picture with the costumed doorman who definitely has an eye for the ladies…… All in all, a thumbs-up for Bath, and we didn’t even have time to visit the actual Roman Baths or to swim in the open-air thermal pool. A must-do for the next time I visit. Bath, you’re awesome and you know it.

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Tetelestai

So what have I been up to lately? Well, I dragged my sorry self out of bed and went to church this morning. Don’t you find that empathy is the oddest thing? It’s feels for all the world like losing a protective layer of skin. I must have been to a gazillion Good Friday services and although I’m usually moved by them, I’m used to it. This morning, there was a very simple scenario played out during the service: 4 women holding a single length of folded black cloth at shoulder level, walking slowly down the aisle. They stopped halfway and changed the cloth to the other shoulder and walked till they reached the pulpit. And suddenly, I couldn’t stop crying. It was as though that simple cloth had transmuted into a body, and I was filled with such sorrow. It was the uncanniest thing. Anyone who knows me will testify that I’m ordinarily a cold-eyed, hardhearted miscreant, and that’s my friends talking! I am constantly amazed by the Redemption story but I find the crucifixion so distressing that I have to screw up my courage to read it every time I come to it. As for watching ‘The passion of the Christ’ again, fuggedaboutit. Meanwhile, I can sit through endless gory films or watch Jack Bauer lay waste to most of the West coast of States without flinching. There is just something truly terrible about seeing an innocent person suffer for the sake of others….it’s mind-boggling that anyone would volunteer to do so, talk less of God himself doing so.

It’s also amazing that there is so little knowledge in Britain about Easter; it’s all subsumed under an avalanche of Easter eggs and Roast Lamb. When I looked online yesterday, only two of the churches in this area were even holding a service today. Unbelievable, or perhaps sadly, all too believable. The others did promise an ‘eggstravaganza’ for Easter Sunday though. I’m sure that’s exactly why Jesus came to die on the cross… This country is way overdue a revival. In fact, I’m making a declarative utterance right now: this time next year, the churches will be full on Sundays, and the supermarkets empty. You heard it here first. People get ready, there’s a train a-coming. Well, on this most excellent Friday, I wish you all a total absence of sorrow, and a weekend full of joy, celebration, and restoration.

(Image: Salvador Dali’s Christ of Saint John of the Cross)

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Roll up! Roll up!!

I’ve been off work all week, that is to say, I’ve been exhausting myself doing AlaraApothecary stuff all week! I’m going back to work for a rest. Having said that, I’ve had a pretty good time despite the rotten weather. At least I wasn’t away in Europe as originally planned- the weather there was atrocious. With time on my hands, I’ve been painting and reading. I re-read John Case’ excellent novel, ‘Dance Of Death’, a brilliantly bizarre mix of physics and comedy. John, please, write some more books! Your desperate readers have re-read your books so many times, we can quote from them like scenes from The Godfather.

This week was going to be quite dull blog-wise but then I came across some splendid research done in 1968. Apparently, you can judge how intelligent a woman is by the shapeliness of her legs. The better the shape, the brighter she is. Yep, Gisele, step forward and accept your Nobel Prize now. Using my superlative brains which can be attested to by my spectacular legs, (no sniggering at the back, please!), I have come to the conclusion that this ‘research’ was carried out by a man, probably one with a dome-shaped head which resembles an egg. See? This is pure science.

Next up, local councils in England are being encouraged to close off car access to major roads thus encouraging us all to walk more frequently, so we can all live to 120. No pension as the money will have run out, but just think how shapely our legs will be 🙂 At least we will be partly protected from bing mowed down by driverless cars. If they aren’t killing innocent pedestrians, they’re bursting into flames. Another fine plan.

Absolute favourite stories? The government has decided to award the contract for the new post-Brexit passports to a Franco-Dutch company. Cue hysteria and pandemonium. Didn’t the Russians or North Koreans bid, I hear you ask? These politicians have the political IQ of a rock. I sometimes suspect that they very much want to be out of power. Security implications aside, which brain-dead embodiment of ineptitude thought this was a good idea? It’s like splitting from your husband, and after an acrimonius divorce, handing him the keys to your house and your alarm code. Epic fail.

I’ve also been following the spat between Joe Biden and Donald Trump. I love The Donald; with him, satirical pieces just write themselves. Plus, as long as he’s tweeting on his phone, he can’t have his fingers on the nuclear button…..can he? Yikes. Anyway, Fighting Joe has been calling The Donald out, threatening to thrash him behind the gym (must be a quaint American custom). These men are 71 and 75 years old. I would pay good money to see that duel. Fight, fight, fight, fight. Excellent. In fact, I think all political appoinments should be made after a grudge match between the two main candidates. Trust me, it doesn’t matter which nincompoop is in charge, the world is still going to hell. Let’s take panem et circenses to a new level. Who’s with me?

All out winner? Fanny Craddock, TV masterchef and absolute lunatic. I nearly choked to death when I read the recipe for her Angry Chinese Egg Men canapes, and no, I wasn’t foolish enough to try to consume one of her abominations. Her dishes make ‘deep-fried butter’ sound like gourmet cooking. I can’t even begin to do justice to how politically incorrect yet truly disgusting they sound. I reprint the recipe for your delectation. Please investigate her ‘Green cheese ice-cream’. I can’t wait for the repeats of her programmes starting at Easter. Never have amphetamines and tranquilisers resulted in such genius comedy, IMHO.

Recipe

Mash up six boiled eggs with plenty of mayonnaise. Colour with green dye to make the mixture look like grass. Spoon the mixture into six pastry tartlets. Boil six eggs. When cool, crack each one open and — using a decorating pen — draw on a face. Sit each egg on the bed of grass and give each a jaunty hat furnished from half a tomato. Call one of your enemies and forcefeed them the eggs. (OK, I added that last bit 🙂 ) The genius is in that phrase, ‘jaunty hat’. Comedy gold. Have a terrific Friday.

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No Way!

This week, dear readers, we are going to mess with your heads. I have been thinking about all the things that we are told and which we absolutely believe because we hardly ever look into them or think about them ourselves. These are a few of the ‘facts’ I’ve been musing upon lately.

Number 1: the map of the world.

The most widely used map of the world is the Mercator map, shown below. It is also probably the least accurate in terms of showing the reality of land masses.

The Gall-Peters map below is much more accurate with regards to the relative sizes of the continents, although even that map has distortions at the poles and equator. Quite a difference, non?

Number 2: The Earth

The beautiful blue marble. Seen in every school and university on this planet in the shape of a globe mounted on a pedestal. See that empty space next to the picture above? That’s a representation of actual single pictures showing what the Earth looks like. There is not one single entire picture of this planet taken from space. Every image produced by NASA that you’ve ever seen is a compiled image. There appears to be some difficulty in taking a single shot of the Earth from space – preferably one showing the current stars in the background. I’m sure they’re working on developing a camera that will produce this epic photo, even as I write.

Number 3: Gravity

As I write, there is no empirical proof that gravity exists, outside of inductive reasoning. We can see that objects which are heavier than air will drop to the Earth due to their density. What I have never personally observed is the attraction pull that an object of large mass exerts on a much lighter object, viz, I have never seen a skyscraper attract so much as a potato crisp or a feather. My physicist friends tell me that the mass differential is too small, and that I am a bear of very little brain. Doubtless, they are right. However, they are unable to explain to me how gravity can exert such a pull that the immense mass of oceanic waters are grounded to the Earth even in the Antipodes, and yet a gnat or a fly can escape that force by utilising the ‘lift’ achieved by its extremely unsubstantial wings. Yes, I’ve heard all the explanations, and no, it still makes no sense to me. There may very well be a gravitational force out there, but the theories we have explaining what it is, and how it functions, including Einstein’s general relativity theory, do not account for some serious anomalies.

I could go on. To quote Billy Boy, ‘There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy’. You weren’t expecting all this science and uncertainty, were you? But if we don’t even know about where and how we live, relying on misconceptions and what we are told, how do we know who we are? Truth is absolute; it is the only concept that does not allow for prevarication. Love, Honour, Fidelity, etc etc, they can all have shades of grey. Truth is therefore the most precious concept we have; something cannot be partially true, in the same way that a woman cannot be partially pregnant. You either is, or you ain’t 🙂

I would be interested in hearing about the stuff that blows your minds. I’m skiving off work this week so I have plenty of loafing time………assuming that time itself exists and is not an artificial construct as I have sometimes maintained (usually after a few ciders) from time to time. Aaargh! There’s no escaping the wretched word 🙂 Have a terrific 168 hours.

 

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The Sky Is Falling!

What else am I going to post about, except the weather? Well, boys and girls, that was fun, wasn’t it? Those pictures are of my actual car, and the actual ice I had to get rid of before I could foolishly drive off to get it stuck in the snow 🙂 I loved the part where I was chipping thick slabs of ice off the windscreen as seen on the left; it was extremely satisfying. I was determined to go in to work, rather than stay in and fret about my patients but my poor old car was just too low-slung. Can I just say how much I love my fellow human beings? My wonderful neighbour came out with his trusty shovel to clear the snow behind the car, while his wife joined in to help as I stood cluelessly by. Their toddler kids mostly threw themselves into the snow drifts while we were distracted. After a while, I persuaded them to hand over the spade seeing as it was after all my car, but I regret to report that my efforts were so risible that the wife took the shovel out of my hands before I hurt myself. I felt like a prize chump 🙂 AlaraApothecary: countrywoman survivalist, not!

Anyway, off I went, only to get stuck. Couldn’t go forward or backward but I had the sense to stop then. Out came the neighbours to push me back to the parking space. One of my patients then travelled 7 miles on those wretched roads to drive me into work in his swanky LandRover Discovery. I love people!! Plus, that car, what a beaut! That’s the second one I’ve been driven in, in the last couple of weeks and yes, it’s true love. I want one; in fact, I need one. 4WD, shiny gadgets with lights that you can press to change driving mode, the smell of expensive leather, oh me, oh my….

Anyhoo, off to work, having witnessed many hilarious road rage incidents involving upstanding citizens and boy-racers. Someone actually got out of their car and shook their fist, just like in the cartoons! Excellent 🙂 I had to bunk down in a local hotel as it was the only way I could be certain of making it to work the next day. Hotel fine, all restaurants closed. Trudge through the snow to the petrol station where a Subway was valiantly doing business. How delicious is a steak & cheese sub (with olives, jalapenos & salsa), washed down with Sheppy’s cider with raspberry when you are starving? Food of the gods, mos’ def. Especially followed with a fabulously synthetic-tasting Tiramisu that cost £1 for two portions. Truly, we undersell the appeal of intensely-calorific fast food. It was the highlight of my day.

Best bit of the week? Getting a lift to work from yet another patient: 8am on saturday, the only car on the road. Fields on both sides of the road as far as the eye can see, with the top layer melting and solid snow underneath. For all the world, it looked exactly as though God had reached down overnight and placed humongous sheets of glass down on top of two lakes. It was ridiculously beautiful. And don’t even start me off about the icicles hanging off the willow trees, and the sun shining on the melting snow crystals. Sparkle that makes the Cullinan diamond look like a piece of paste. What a wonderful world.

So, back to normal. I bought so much wine and chocolates as thank you prezzies, and so little food, that the cashier at Sainsburys’ gave me a very dodgy look. ‘Hard week’, I said. She nodded sagely; she was definitely feeling me 🙂 A huge thank you to all those who helped me last week, to the staff in hotels and restaurants who struggled in to work, and to all the people who worried about my welfare and checked up on me. You’re awesome and you know it. The following pictures of jaw-droppingly mental interiors are for you; hope they bring a smile to your faces. I particularly like the insane bathrooms. Have a good one.

 

 

 

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