All Gone Pete Tong

Celebrating a glorious week of pure foolishness. There are more excellent stories floating around than even I can cover in this post. Terrific news item no 1: Housework is dangerous for women. Scientists have discovered that when inhaled during cleaning, the chemicals in home-cleaning products are as dangerous to women as smoking 20 cigarettes a day. Men are unaffected. Win-Win!!!! ‘Sorry honey, I can’t clean the bath on doctor’s orders. You’ll have to do it.’ No, the scientists weren’t female; no, wearing a face mask makes no difference. You crazy conspiracists 🙂 I am very tempted to smoke 10 cigarettes a week and then clean every other week, just to be contrary.

Terrific news item no 2: Two different research papers. a) Drinking fruit teas can ruin your dental health due to the acidity of the teas. Research on the effects of Merlot has not been published so I’m assuming it’s safe and switching to Merlot until told otherwise; b) Putting on some weight and drinking red wine in moderation every day is one of the common factors in living up to 90. Now, this is the type of research we need – I’ve been trying to spread the word for ages, with no takers. Scientists, keep it up. Forget all that fiction about global warming, it only makes you look ridiculous. Prove that deep-fried Mars bars make you sexier, you’ll be invited to more parties.

Out-and-out-winner of the week is of course the KFC debacle. Pure comedy gold; KFC runs out of chicken. Guys, it’s all in the name. Chicken is very much an essential to your business success. I particularly loved the fact that people called the police to report them. It’s practically a hate crime! I blame Brexit!! And Donald Trump!!! And the Russians!!!! And North Korea!!!!! However, KFC managed to turn straw into spun gold by issuing the following apology after ther epic fail:

Obscenity aside, that is pure genius. Whoever came up with it deserves a massive raise. It trumps my previous favourite ‘apology’ issued by someone who is probably now a Virgin Trains customer services ex-employee. When a young lady complained on Twitter about being addressed as ‘honey’ in a ‘patronising manner by the older male Virgin Trains guard’ they sent her a tweet saying, “Sorry for the mess up Emily, would you prefer ‘pet’ or ‘love’ next time?” Obvs, wrong on pretty much every level, except that it’s hilarious. Unrepentant and unemployed: I love it. BTW, the installations above are from Federico Picci’s ‘Baloon Concerto’ series. Extremely cool. Y’all have a fingerlickingly  good week now.

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The Loo Roll Incident

Sometimes I feel as though I am in one of those bubbles, swimming in shark-infested waters. I was in a supermarket yesterday, one of the big four. In front of me  was a middle-aged woman complaining in stentorian tones about the fact that the last lot of loo rolls she had purchased ‘was packed too tightly in the package. And I’m not the only one, many people feel the same, so you need to sort it’. My questions are: what did the she think that this poor woman who spends 8 hours on her feet everyday, selling newspapers and cigarettes for the minimum wage, could do to alter the packaging protocols of Unilever, Procter & Gamble, or whomever? And who are these morons with strong feelings about the tight packaging of loo rolls, and do they have a support group? Is this not a prime example of First World problems, where the biggest issue you have is how to remove your loo roll from its packaging? I restricted myself to giving her what I like to refer to as ‘an eloquent look’. And yes, she did flinch, which was extremely gratifying. I did not launch into my usual ‘Don’t talk to her like that!’, as it contravenes my ongoing resolution to never get into an argument with a crazy or stupid person – they just bring you down to their level, and leave you incoherent with rage.

Of course she did not believe that the girl could solve her issue. She just wanted an easy target to berate, and who better than the poor employee who cannot answer back where ‘the customer is always right’. I thought the assistant was very restrained in not fetching a haddock from the temptingly handy fish counter, and slapping her around the head a few times. Yes, you’ll lose your job, but what a way to go 🙂 The assault charges would of course be something else………Commiserating with the assistant who reacted to my sympathy in a guarded manner, obviously suspecting that I might be the dreaded mystery shopper, she just shrugged and said ‘You just let it was over you’. And I thought, ‘Does it really, though? 20 years of letting it ‘wash over you’, and who do you become?’ To quote David Gray, ‘It takes a lot of love my friend, to keep your heart from freezing, to push until the end’. The world seems to be full of angry, unhappy people whose sole raison d’être is  to make other people as angry and as unhappy as they are. Seeing a smiling face is like waving the metaphorical red rag in front of a bull as far as they are concerned. This week brought to mind a quote from The Social Contract, “Man is born free; and everywhere he is in chains. One thinks himself the master of others, and still remains a greater slave than they.” Unless of course, the Son sets you free; then you are free indeed.

And yet, and yet. This week alone, a favourite customer came to me, told me to close my eyes and hold out my hand. After issuing many threats, I complied, and she put a box of handmade fudge into my hands. I saw a rainbow set against thunderclouds, the colours shading and fusing into one another.  A little pal came in to show me her missing teeth. One had fallen out naturally, and she ‘encouraged’ the second one by pulling it out, thereby scoring £3 from the tooth fairy. First of all, £3!!!! Talk about inflation. Plus, what a budding entrepeneur, I’m so proud of her 🙂 I did not tell her where her kidneys are, in case she gets any bright ideas…..She displayed these gaps, and just like that, I was six years old again, and probing a wobbling tooth with my tongue until it eventually gave up. Magic.

I leave you with this set of images from South Africa, showing a lioness who had lost her own cubs, and who rescued and protected a newly-born springbok that had been rejected by its mother. Have a wonderful week.

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You’ve Been Tango’ed

An awesome start to February. After a weekend where I saw 60 people rollerskating down Sloane Street with a very frustrated Ferrari-driver directly behind them (I love London!) to a 30-minute journey from Hammersmith to Colindale taking 2 hours because of an accident at Chiswick Roundabout ( I hate London!), I was ready for a restful week. Instead, this week has turned out be fun and entertaining. Beats me how the Universe works.

The best story of the week has been that of the men who were arrested after a wild chase through the streets of Seville. They were arrested after 4 TONNES(!!!) of Seville oranges were found in their car. Their story? The oranges were for personal consumption 🙂 Now, I bow to no one in my love for one of the products made from Seville oranges- Marmalade. No, Paddington Bear is a wannabe compared to me. But, come on! How could that sure-fire excuse fail? They should get reduced sentences for the chutzpah they’ve exhibited as long as they can each eat one kilo of sour Seville oranges in one sitting. Remember children, stealing four tonnes of oranges is bad!

Second-favourite was this menu description from Burger & Cocktails on James Street in the West End. No, I did not have the Red-Eye coffee. Even I’m not foolhardy enough to think that the world needs to see me jacked up on a four-shot coffee. One day……… BTW, the Smoking Dog at Burgers&Cocktails is amazing – a hot dog wrapped with bacon in a squidgy bun, topped with ketchup and mustard. Pure ambrosia. Not to mention the Pizza Fries… You’re hungry now, aren’t you? Job done 🙂

I leave you with images of some pretty amazing, gravity-defying buildings: Solo House  in Matarraña, Spain and Cube Houses in Rotterdam. Have a lovely week. Pip pip.

 

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Blue Is The Colour

 

Blue Monday? Wasn’t it just? My day at work felt like a 20-hour day. Absolute nightmare. I cheered myself up by remembering all the blue stuff I love. When I look at my paintings, I’m always surprised at how prevalent the colour blue is. So, sucks to Monday being blue, I love all things blue. There’s the amazing album by The Beautiful South. It’s a genius album with some of the most depressing lyrics I’ve ever heard set to jaunty, lilting music:

Liitle Blue:

You don’t back a horse called Striding Snail
You don’t name your boat Titanic II
So why when I see your happy smiling face
Do I always end up singing Little Blue

Little Blue, how do you do
Your smile looks like heaven
But your eyes hold a storm about to brew
Little Blue
How can a flower so pretty
Be so laden down with dew
Little Blue

Then there are my boys Elvis Costello & The Attractions and their equally wonderful Country album, ‘Almost Blue’:

Brown To Blue:

We stood there in the courthouse room so close but far apart
You brought along the lawyer and I brought a broken heart
The judge pronounced the words the way you wanted him to do
You changed your name from Brown to Jones and mine from Brown to Blue

I couldn’t help my tears from falling on the courtroom floor
My love, they took away my right to love you anymore
My world just seemed to stop as I stood there so close to you
You changed your name from Brown to Jones and mine from Brown to Blue

Pure genius. How can I leave out ‘Starry Night’ by Van Gogh? It’s an amazing painting. When you look at it. you can hardly breathe – or maybe that’s just me. I also love Yves Klein Blue, the colour. Those tables of his are truly beautiful but they are some ridiculous price so I’ll have to DIY one some fine day.

No paean to the colour blue can exclude the sea and the sky. I bring you Coconut Beach in Badagry, Lagos. The sand, the palm trees, the Atlantic ocean, and that big, big, sky in both that picture and the one of Montana. AlaraApothecary, we colour you beautiful. Have a fabulous weekend.

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Winter Solstice: Fake News!

Winter solstice, we just had it right? December 21st; shortest day of every year. Can anyone explain to me why we are then currently getting only 6 or 7 minutes of daylight at the moment? I am so over winter, I can’t tell you. Meanwhile my electricity supplier is sending out random bills with figures they’ve made up; I suppose it’s a bit of a lark just to see if I’m crazy enough to pay them, no questions asked. It snowed in the Sahara…. what is wrong with this picture? This of course affords me a wonderful opportunity to taunt the global-warmists in a very childish way. It’s not global warming anymore, you say? It’s climate change now, is it? Ever since the world’s temperature plunged and polar bears are now roaming the streets of London? Tee hee. What easy marks.

So, how to survive this crazy weather? First of all, you need to start watching ‘Death in Paradise’. Yes, the plots are preposterous, it’s basically Agatha Christie in Guadeloupe. But, have you seen the views? It’s pure eye-candy for a sun-starved populace, and it’s silly, funny, and utterly unrealistic. It’s totally tropical in a way that makes Lilt look like Irn Bru. Secondly, do not start some insane detox programme. Siberia is warmer that England, have you lost your mind? Suet, and lots of it, that’s what we need. As a healthcare professional, I should insert some healthy living stuff at this point. I offer this below:

That is an actual fact, if you don’t take into account that it is completely untrue. I leave you with the fabulous W.C Fields in ‘The Fatal Glass of Beer’; I love this silly skit. It  always makes me laugh, it’s so ridiculous. I bet you feel warmer already. Have a good one.

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