Best story of last week? The 69 year old man who has gone to court to assert his right to identify as a 49-year old because being 69 is seriously affecting his chances on Tinder. He already has 7 children, you’d think he wants to now give it a rest, seriously. He is very much my hero- I don’t know why it didn’t occur to me earlier. Henceforth, I shall be identifying as a 21-year old gorgeous  multimillonairess and skincare mogul with a part-time job searching for the elixir of life. Anyone who refuses to comply with this request will be reported for committing a hate crime. Seemples. And to think I wasted all those years studying and striving. Stupido. As for the elixir of life, you could always copy Woody Allen who said, ‘I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.‘

Actually, I’ve just had a birthday so this couldn’t be more timely. Thank God for another year, and it’s always pleasant to stay alive just to tick off your enemies. If you don’t have anyone who wishes to dance on your grave, quite frankly, that’s a sign of failure right there. Of course, there’s no need to go as far as Hitler or Stalin, obvs. That would be filed under ‘overachiever, and proud of it.’

I was in the West End yesterday, and the Christmas vibe is not there yet. Perhaps people have come to their senses and aren’t starting Christmas in August this year. The decorations on Oxford St are a bit meh; same as last year, just different colours. John Bell & Croyden has pretty fab windows although they’re not particularly Christmas-themed. Bah, Humbug. Selfridges looks amazing as always. The pics are from the Philippa Craddock and Veuve Cliquot/Maison Chocolat sections. Just in case any of you have won the lottery, you can get me either one of the preposterously priced D&G bags above. That Piano bag is amazing but comes in at a hefty 6K, give or take. The Raffia bag is practically a bargain at a shade under 3K. I wonder how much money I would have to possess before I would consider paying 6K for a bag. I suspect I would have to be Empress of the Universe first. So, anytime now, really 🙂 Actually, I think a series on ludicrously expensive Christmas presents is overdue. Keep your eyes peeled; it’s impossible to overestimate the pleasure to be had from looking at posh tat and thinking ‘Nah.’ I leave you with a cheesy joke to start the week properly: A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer, bartender says “sorry, we don’t serve food here.” It’s the way I tell ’em. Have a terrific week.