Man Bites Dog

The headline in the paper yesterday made me laugh, “Mourinho Fury”. Why this was considered to be newsworthy is a mystery. Mourinho is always furious, it’s his default setting. It’s like having a headline saying Alex Ferguson hates referees or the rain in Spain mainly falls on the plain (note to self – is that true or a truism: must check). Now if I read an article where Mourinho explains that he is just an ordinary human being, nothing special at all about him, and he is one of Wenger’s greatest fans, that would be news. Having thoroughly detested him when he was at Chelsea working for the enemy, he is now the manager of my team– MAN U FOREVER!!!!!! (sorry, it’s a conditioned reflex 🙂 ) and I now have to view the Special One with resigned indulgence. It strikes me that much of the news is not news at all. For example–“Government U-Turn on…..tax credits, fuel surcharge, grammar schools, death tax (nice one by the way, Tories. A sure vote-winner. Dimwits.), Heathrow expansion, the Large Hadron Collider. OK, I made that last one up but you see my point. Yawn, yawn, yawn. Perhaps it’s a cunning plan to bore us all into submission.

Even more annoying from the scientific point of view is the endless stream of ridiculous items puffing some new discovery that will change how we live – in 10 years time. New cure for cancer- in 5 years time. Diabetes reversed- in 5 years time. Statins may be the elixir of life; Clinical trials results expected – in 5 years time. It’s infuriating. I can understand why shameless, grant-hungry scientists spout this nonsense. I don’t understand why papers publish it. Immortality is not an option; if we can extend the average life expectancy to even 90 in the next 100 years, I’ll eat my hat. And yes, I’ll probably still be here to eat it in that case 🙂 It is appointed to man to die once, and after that, judgement. Carpe diem, folks. You won’t come this way again.

On a cheery note, here is a by no means exhaustive list of the things that have been said to cause cancer over the recent past: butter, margarine, butter (again), bacon, toast, crisps, pickles, high heels (not really, just seeing if you are paying attention), water (Bisphenol A in bottled water, oestrogens in tap water. Terrific), petrol, diesel, petrol, diesel again, air (see petrol and diesel), etc etc, ad infinitum. The latest this week was Cheddar Cheese and Cream Cheese. Really? Exactly how much cheese is carcinogenic? A thin slice, 500g, 2 kilos? These idiotic articles are always a bit short on that kind of information. What if I have a bacon and cheese toastie? It’s practically a suicide attempt. Too ridiculous. I won’t live for a 100 years on a kale and quinoa diet; it will only feel like it. And I actually love kale. I leave you with a selection of headlines I’m sure we’d all love to see:

Tony Blair admits: There were no WMDs. I lied.

Miley Cyrus joins local convent.

Government announces ‘We have no idea what to do next.’

Multinational corporation admits lousy profits due to incompetence rather than Brexit.

Israel and Iran announce new trade and culture treaty. Americans pledge to stop saying Eye-ran in line with the rest of the planet.(Just messing with you, my American brethren)

Oh well, we can dream. Have a lovely weekend.

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