My (still) Beating Heart

There I am, innocently watching ‘The Blacklist’, picking up any number of arcane tips about how to run a dastardly criminal empire when the subject of ‘deep fried butter’ comes up. Deep fried butter? Don’t mess with me now, Raymond. Straight over to Google, and yes, it really does exist. How have I lived for so long without hearing of this marvel? Do I need to tell you that this originates from Atherosclerosis Central, a.k.a, Southern USA? I am not kidding; you get a nice big chunk of butter, make up a batter similar to that used for our beloved Fried Mars Bar in the UK, swirl the butter around in the batter mixture and then deep-fry it! Some people cover it with a cinnamon-flavoured sugar glaze. Ye gods and little fishes, I could feel my arteries furring up just watching the video. It is the single most astonishing thing I have seen this year. My life will not be complete until I have attempted at least one bite of this monstrosity, melted butter running freely down my multiple chins.

There is more. Pole-axed on the sofa (see, I’m already getting into the lardo couch-potato mindset), I then noticed a video for Deep Fried Coke. No, I could not resist. It turns out that this delicacy consists of a similar batter to which you add one can of Coke — full fat obvs, Diet Coke is an abomination, as any fule kno. The kicker? The guy then added 3 tablespoonfuls of sugar to the batter mix and, you guessed it…..deep-fried the batter balls. Absolutely right. I mean, it’s not as if each can of Coke already contains 9 spoons of sugar or anything like that 🙂 I am gobsmacked. I’d take my hat off to the Americans and bow at my waist if 1) I still had a waist, and 2) the shift in my centre of gravity wouldn’t send me keeling over.

Now, as a healthcare professional who wishes to hang on to her licence, I strongly counsel you not to consume either of these products, unless of course you never leave home without your personal defibrillator. Should you be foolhardy enough to ignore my sterling advice, please let me know what they taste like. Once you’ve fully recovered from your quadruple bypass, of course.

In the spirit of continuing craziness, my latest favourite fashion items are depicted here for your enjoyment. I am glad I can’t afford Anthony Vacarrello’s Roller Skate shoes for YSL because I would definitely buy them just to attempt to walk in them. Shortly after breaking both ankles, I would still insist on keeping them on. I would lie on the sofa and admire them, comatose from eating too much deep-fried butter. Happy days 🙂 The other beauties are Camilla Elphick’s Crystal Butterfly shoes and Dolce & Gabbana’s Dolce Box bag. I think my work here is done for today. Now, where did I put that Kale and Quinoa salad? Just kidding……..

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