Roll up! Roll up!!

I’ve been off work all week, that is to say, I’ve been exhausting myself doing AlaraApothecary stuff all week! I’m going back to work for a rest. Having said that, I’ve had a pretty good time despite the rotten weather. At least I wasn’t away in Europe as originally planned- the weather there was atrocious. With time on my hands, I’ve been painting and reading. I re-read John Case’ excellent novel, ‘Dance Of Death’, a brilliantly bizarre mix of physics and comedy. John, please, write some more books! Your desperate readers have re-read your books so many times, we can quote from them like scenes from The Godfather.

This week was going to be quite dull blog-wise but then I came across some splendid research done in 1968. Apparently, you can judge how intelligent a woman is by the shapeliness of her legs. The better the shape, the brighter she is. Yep, Gisele, step forward and accept your Nobel Prize now. Using my superlative brains which can be attested to by my spectacular legs, (no sniggering at the back, please!), I have come to the conclusion that this ‘research’ was carried out by a man, probably one with a dome-shaped head which resembles an egg. See? This is pure science.

Next up, local councils in England are being encouraged to close off car access to major roads thus encouraging us all to walk more frequently, so we can all live to 120. No pension as the money will have run out, but just think how shapely our legs will be 🙂 At least we will be partly protected from bing mowed down by driverless cars. If they aren’t killing innocent pedestrians, they’re bursting into flames. Another fine plan.

Absolute favourite stories? The government has decided to award the contract for the new post-Brexit passports to a Franco-Dutch company. Cue hysteria and pandemonium. Didn’t the Russians or North Koreans bid, I hear you ask? These politicians have the political IQ of a rock. I sometimes suspect that they very much want to be out of power. Security implications aside, which brain-dead embodiment of ineptitude thought this was a good idea? It’s like splitting from your husband, and after an acrimonius divorce, handing him the keys to your house and your alarm code. Epic fail.

I’ve also been following the spat between Joe Biden and Donald Trump. I love The Donald; with him, satirical pieces just write themselves. Plus, as long as he’s tweeting on his phone, he can’t have his fingers on the nuclear button…..can he? Yikes. Anyway, Fighting Joe has been calling The Donald out, threatening to thrash him behind the gym (must be a quaint American custom). These men are 71 and 75 years old. I would pay good money to see that duel. Fight, fight, fight, fight. Excellent. In fact, I think all political appoinments should be made after a grudge match between the two main candidates. Trust me, it doesn’t matter which nincompoop is in charge, the world is still going to hell. Let’s take panem et circenses to a new level. Who’s with me?

All out winner? Fanny Craddock, TV masterchef and absolute lunatic. I nearly choked to death when I read the recipe for her Angry Chinese Egg Men canapes, and no, I wasn’t foolish enough to try to consume one of her abominations. Her dishes make ‘deep-fried butter’ sound like gourmet cooking. I can’t even begin to do justice to how politically incorrect yet truly disgusting they sound. I reprint the recipe for your delectation. Please investigate her ‘Green cheese ice-cream’. I can’t wait for the repeats of her programmes starting at Easter. Never have amphetamines and tranquilisers resulted in such genius comedy, IMHO.

Recipe

Mash up six boiled eggs with plenty of mayonnaise. Colour with green dye to make the mixture look like grass. Spoon the mixture into six pastry tartlets. Boil six eggs. When cool, crack each one open and — using a decorating pen — draw on a face. Sit each egg on the bed of grass and give each a jaunty hat furnished from half a tomato. Call one of your enemies and forcefeed them the eggs. (OK, I added that last bit 🙂 ) The genius is in that phrase, ‘jaunty hat’. Comedy gold. Have a terrific Friday.