The Italian Job

I’m back from a much-needed sojourn in La Bella Italia. The trip commenced with the 3am start of a 250 mile journey. Don’t ask. This is my idea of hell, not remotely being what you would call a morning person. By the time I arrived at Firenze, I was a complete zombie. Came out of the airport, 38 Celcius in the shade. Ay, Caramba!, as they do not say in Italy. I knew I was home when I dropped my hand luggage in my living-dead state and the driver said ‘Mama Mia!’ Pure awesomeness. This was in stark contrast to the airport in London. Yep, I fell foul of the Airport Nazi. How this country manages to produce so many pea-brained jobsworths, I cannot fathom. Put one of these eejits in a uniform and they believe they have the authority to waterboard you. This was the ghastly woman at security check; they keep ratcheting up their stupid rules to make our lives more difficult. First, no liquids over 100ml. Check. Then, suddenly only one tiny bag can be used. OK, check. Then, you must be able to seal the bag without it popping open so essentially the bag is max, 2/3 filled. At this point, I told her that wasn’t feasible as I needed my stuff and only had hand luggage. She told me if I didn’t agree to discard part of my carefully curated 100ml stuff, she would have to ‘tag my stuff. You’ll be here for an hour.’ I told her to do whatever she needed to do. She did not like that… Meanwhile, I checked my watch– flight take off in 50 minutes but I was so angry, I was thinking I’d buy another ticket if needed. Yes, I am crazy; I know it but I’ll never kowtow to these power-crazed fascists.

It is possible to do a job which I agree is necessary without being such a pisspoor example of a human being. She pretty much tagged everybody, the check took 40 minutes, and they made me throw away a 75ml tube of toothpaste, so you can all sleep safely in your beds, another terrorist threat averted. Jackasses. I made final boarding with 5 minutes to spare 🙂 The kicker? I studied chemistry for a solid 8 years. I wouldn’t need to smuggle chemicals past security if I wished to blow anything up, especially doors 🙂 . I can make a perfectly good explosive device using stuff from duty-free and the contents of the cleaner’s cart. And no, I wouldn’t need to make any dimwitted internet searches either, you’d never see me coming. The government can’t keep us safe unless all cars and vans are now confiscated, so implying that taking off my belt at the airport helps is an act of ridiculous posturing on their part. If most of us don’t go around blowing people up, it’s because we know right from wrong, and personally, I believe I will answer for my actions after I shuffle this mortal coil. Civic irresponsibilty and psychotic behaviour cannot be regulated by criminalising the entire population. Any determined murderer will find a way round the rules, especially if they don’t mind dying in the attempt. That is a much more serious problem to address, hence the headless chicken acts of our governments.

Anyhoo, Firenze was as lovely as ever. I realised that I feel so much at home there because the sunlight is like African light. As soon as I clocked that gorgeous, golden light that pours out like syrup and coats everything with an amber tint, I forgot all about the airport nazi. But yikes, it was HOT! Even a heat-lover like myself started wilting at the edges rapidly. Luckily, there is a cure – copious amounts of gelato and lashings of Schweppes Pompelmo. I put on 10 kilos in 2 days; thank God the airline doesn’t weigh us on the way back from holiday or my excess baggage charge would have been through the roof 🙂 More to follow on Italy. In the meantime, I pray for protection for us all from all the loonies out there, ideological or otherwise, and wish you a safe, warm weekend full of golden light. Yes, even you, Airport Nazi.