Fear Is A Virus (Part 2)

The Normal Normal. Coming to a high street near you soon.

Here we are again, another topsy-turvy fortnight in CovidLand. When I was warning my peeps a couple of weeks ago that a new lockdown was coming down, and to London in particular, the reaction was the usual Cassandra-treatment that I’m well used to. Isn’t it fun having these new terms in our vocabulary- circuit breaker, new normal, and my personal favourite – hands, faces, knees and toes (or summat. I may have paraphrased a bit). The regulations cannot be satirised, they are already too ridiculous so I shan’t bother. I have to say that I did enjoy hearing the person who called in to a talk show on Friday and wanted to know whether they needed to keep their car windows wound up if they were driving through a Tier 3 region. Double blimey. If I were the host, I would have told them that the virus particularly lurks at traffic lights, and what you need is a nice airless vacuum. What about the oxygen, you ask? Minor detail, don’t worry about it. I think this explains why I’ve never been offered my own live radio show 🙂

I’m here to remind you that the covid madness is a busted flush which has fallen apart, and the centre will not hold. All the nonsense in the news is posturing. We are at that stage in the horror movie where the monster is dying and is thus redoubling its effort to scare you out of your hiding place. Stand firm, look behind the roaring to the true picture and you’ll be as safe as mother’s milk. I knew for sure that it’s all over and the fat lady is about to sing when I saw 10,000 hardcore Londoners in Trafalgar Square singing ‘you can stick your poison vaccine up your….. to the tune of ‘she’ll be coming round the mountain when she comes’ Classy bunch, Londoners 🙂 Only 10,000 people, so what?, you say. Well, we bible scholars (self-designated 🙂 ) remember the story of Gideon. When Gideon raised an army of 10,000 men to fight 135,000 Midianites, God told him that he had too many soldiers and reduced their ranks to 300. And yes, the Midianites got their butts kicked. It’s in Judges 7, check it out. It’s quite the story.

As it says in Zechariah 4, This is the word of the Lord unto Zerubbabel, saying, Not by might, nor by power, but by my spirit, saith the Lord of hosts. Who art thou, O great mountain? before Zerubbabel thou shalt become a plain: and he shall bring forth the headstone thereof with shoutings, crying, Grace, grace unto it. Fighting talk, I think you’ll agree. Thus endeth the lesson for today. Don’t be afraid. For a start it weakens your immune system and no one needs that right now. Don’t panic buy loo roll, it’s ridiculous, but make sure you have drinking water in case it all kicks off. Tier 3 is coming to London. As for the vaccine that’s now merrily rolling off the factory line, all I can say is that people will make their choice. If they feel they need protection from covid, have at it as our American friends say. How the government is going to insist that the vaccine which is supposed to protect you only works if I also have it, I’m looking forward to discovering. And believe me, they’ll try it.

The deadline for all this shenanigans is the end of this year, and I’ve put up the picture above to remind us all of what Christmas used to be like before our leaders decided that we must all stay indoors until the elixir of life is discovered and we can achieve immortality. To cheer you up even further, let me introduce one of my latest finds: fabulous coffee from Immix Roasters. This new start-up by a brother & sister combo makes some of the best coffee I’ve tasted and I know what I’m talking about coffee-wise, not to mention that I’ve just been to Italy, so there. Jack is the coffee-guru, and Eleanor is the art & packaging maestra. I’ve decided that it’s our duty to encourage those that are brave enough to start a new business at the moment plus the product is great. The coffee is not flavoured – the descriptions on the packs are the ‘bouquet’ of each roast c.f wine tasting. Very posh, ne c’est pas? My faves are the Leopard Origin Roast which is quite light but has a rich flavour and the Serengeti Origin blend which is stronger but still very smooth. Find them here, and buy something: https://www.immix.coffee/

Can you just imagine how glorious that room smells? Coffee Addict? Moi?
Little packs of coffee goodness

So, ignore the doom and gloom. Turn the wretched TV with its rolling bad news off, especially if you have young children. They are absorbing all that chaos and you wouldn’t believe the number of people who are asking for advice about how to deal with their child’s anxiety. There’s a power button, turn it off. This week’s message? “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33 AlaraApothecary: we beautify your soul as we beautify your skin. Have a wonderful week, and buy some coffee!

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Independence Day

Wasn’t that an insane fortnight in CovidLand, even by the bonkers standards of the last 7 months. 10pm curfews (I won’t bother, I’m sure you’ve heard all the jokes and seen all the memes), 50,000 cases a day by October (guffaw!), wear a mask or hand over your firstborn child to the council (I might have made that last one up. So like the government 🙂 ) The satire is pretty much writing itself at this point. So, today is Independence Day in Nigeria and by proxy, I am extending that independence to the whole world. By the powers invested in me, I declare this planet open. Covid-narrative begone, it’s all so 2019 and we are all bored now. Freedom is the new black. The Old Normal but with kinder and wiser people, welcome back, we’ve missed you. Who knew how awesome you were? It’s been a veritable eye-opener.

It was surreal in London at the weekend because on the one hand you had protesters in Trafalgar Square (and no, we absolutely do not consent to having our civil liberties taken away. Independence day, baby) but as usual, you could almost entirely forget about Covid unless you walked into a store and saw the masks, or saw the bus go past with masked passengers. Oh, and not forgetting how the wonderful mayor is closing all the side roads and funneling cars through high streets, causing massive traffic jams. Muppet. Plus the highways agency closing the M4 between junction 7 & 8, funneling us through Maidenhead and Slough, and adding an hour to my journey. Presumably, they were busily putting up more of the downright sinister-looking stormtrooper-style cameras that are sprouting up on the motorways in England. Mind you, it gave me plenty of time to think of Theresa May seeing as I was in her constituency, so the time wasn’t entirely wasted 🙂 Theresa, if you felt an icicle on the back of your neck, that would be the 10000 motorists scowling as they inch through Maidenhead 🙂 Anyhoo, my fave meme of the week?:

Having declared independence for y’all (thank me later. All gratuities thankfully received), I can’t finish without an honourable mention and vote of thanks to the 2 main guys at the forefront. Donald Trump and Boris Johnson. Really, stay with me, this is going somewhere. These 2 lunatics have been the wildcards of the Covid nonsense and we may well owe our lives to them. Have you lost your mind, you say? Ok, proof. Boris Johnson is without a doubt of one the worst liars I have ever seen. He made every announcement with such a blatant air of disbelief and total lack of conviction that even the worst sufferer of cognitive dissonance had cause to doubt him. I am sure he is as deceitful as any of us but he’s pretty useless at politics since he clearly hates lying, his body language just leaks embarassment. It would be why he always gets caught when he cheats; he can’t lie with conviction. I suspect that he also hates seeing people suffer but is not tough enough to face up to hardened psychopaths. Every time he held a conference about how lethal Covid was, I felt safer and safer 🙂 As for The Donald, where do I even begin? His press calls were a treat. He obvs loathes Fauci, disbelieved Birx, and would have been sharing a platform with David Icke if he wasn’t POTUS. They are the only two leaders who clearly weren’t for a lockdown and it made critical-thinkers wonder why. The added fact that they’re both blonde and bonkers only added to the fun.

Apropos nothing, a friend sent me a message today pointing out that the 1st day of the 10th month is when the waters receded enough for Noah to spot the land that the Ark rested on, i.e the mountain tops. Genesis 8:5, ‘And the waters decreased continually until the tenth month: in the tenth month, on the first day of the month, were the tops of the mountains seen.‘ I like that. Today we see the post-Covid land, and beautiful it is too. I hope that I am wiser and kinder. It’s been interesting to see the reaction of the depopulation squad who are always telling us that there are too many people. Turns out that the brave new world would regard them as well as us as surplus to requirements. Who’da thunk? The parameters for the ‘perfect human’ are very narrow indeed, thank God we don’t have to meet it! As I always say, Earth is lovely but without people, it’s just a piece of rock. So, hurrah Emma Lazarus,

“Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!

Today’s poor hungry person is tomorrow’s Nikola Tesla, Charles Wesley, or W.A Mozart, and the world is a better place because we are all in it. Hopefully we won’t have to raze London to the ground to get our freedoms back but I can tell the Met, Londoners are in a nasty mood with a gleam in their eyes. They are thinking, 32,000 policemen and women to 8 million inhabitants, hmm, we’ll take those odds…. However, some of my best friends are coppers so I don’t want to see them get mashed up. I leave you with the message below just in case it all kicks off anyway. Have a great week.

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Illegitimi non carborundum

New favourite meme

Here we are again, welcome to the new boss, same as the old boss. We are now at the ‘roaring lion’ stage of the Covid nonsense, where despite the fact that deaths are in single figures, we still get lurid multicolour graphs showing a huge rise in CASES. CASES! CASES!! We are all going to die!!! *roll my eyes* Why no figures for hospitalisations and deaths? Because, thank God, they are miniscule. If social distancing works, how come we need the masks? If the masks and social distancing both work, how come we have CASES! Now we have the rule of six, a.k.a ‘don’t see any of your friends or family, or have any fun whatsoever’ You must however go out to work to make us some money, or even better, spend all your money to make us richer. It’s your civic duty. Not to mention my personal favourite, ‘get back from Portugal by 4am and you are virus-free: 4.01am? Why are you trying to kill your gran, you virus-infested maniac!’ Talk about Alice-through-the-looking-glass.

It’s why I haven’t posted for a while – I’ve been too busy attending the funerals of people who didn’t die from Covid. I’ve been to 4 funerals in the last 2 months, none of them had, or died from Covid. Before that, I went to one funeral in 2019. Before that? 2004. 15 years ago, but I’ve been to four this year, and the number of people I personally know who have died since the lockdown is well into double figures, none from Covid. I didn’t feel it was right to subject you all to the helpless rage I feel at seeing so many lives lost and ruined, and so many families devastated. Job losses? Let’s not even go there.

But worry not, mes braves, and remember not to be afraid. AlaraApothecary: we bring you good news. The whole Covid/Lockdown shenanigans is a busted flush, at least for this year. I can confidently predict that you will mos’ def celebrate Christmas with your friends and your families. Pourquoi? Because the expected flu onslaught is not coming this year. You can take it to the bank. This year will be fine, but there’s a tsunami coming, so people get ready and get out of its path. To cheer you up even further, here is a video I took in Padstow over the bank holiday. The sun was shining, the people of Cornwall were as lovely as ever, and special honours go the staff serving at Treleavens in Mevagissey. The New York Lime Cheesecake icecream is a thing of wonder, and remember, I’ve just been to Italy.

Padstow harbour

In other news, we have the constant race-baiting bombardment on a daily basis in the media. I’ve not really commented on this because as far as I’m concerned it’s a divide and rule tactic. Quite frankly, black, white, all races, we are fighting for our lives at the moment. As a Christian, I believe we all have the one set of common ancestors so all fellow human beings are kith and kin, some closer than others. Science bears me out in this view also. In fact, the racism issue has been decisively settled by demonstrable science. The first humans on this planet have to have been black; pale skin and eyes are governed by recessive genes. You can get white people from dark people, it can’t happen the other way round. End of. That’s why Caucasians are in a minority. Everyone who has studied biology to GCSE standard should know that. Two things never lie: one is God, the other is biology. I found this video of Louis Farrakhan which discusses this very point. At no point do I endorse the Nation of Islam or any of its separatist or anti-semitic nonsense, but truth is truth. See what you think:

So on behalf of all black people everywhere, I welcome you to my planet. Please keep off the grass 🙂 This is why I would find it hard to be racist, and it proves that black lives matter, not least because all lives come from black lives. Boom! Thank you, Next! People, we have no one except one another in what is manifestly going to become very hostile territory. Love is all, or we will lose all. Must be why I feel at home everywhere; as the Cornish say, I belong to be here 🙂 Having done Covid-madness and race, I might as well go for the trifecta and add religion to the mix. Jesus is the Way, the Truth, and the Life; no one comes to God except through Him. In for a penny…… 🙂 Y’all have a fabulous weekend, and I leave you with a video which may well hold the key to all life’s questions. Have a good one.

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Welcome To The Pleasuredome

Another crazy week in the wacky world of Covid-19. The Ministry of Misery decided that way too many people were having fun and yanked the air bridge to France, ordering 500,000 people home by 4am on Saturday if they don’t want to quarantine. 4am, you ask? Why 4am? Hell, why not? When you’re making it all up as you go along, you may as well have some fun. I like it; next time it’ll be 3.15pm and 30 seconds. Cue hysterical stories about 160,000 people and their planes, trains and automobiles sagas. First of all, 160,000 journeys from France in 2 days? I should coco. That figure is completely made up; I’ve just been on holiday. I know how few and far between the flights and trains and ferries are. Secondly, the headlines are wrong, even allowing for the fictional numbers. They should really say ‘340,000 people tell the government to do one, maintaining that “we gotta fight for our right, to partaaaay!”‘

If the government is so keen to get the economy running, they could start by removing the gazillion banners in London and probably in other cities which still say ‘Stay Home, Save Lives’, and replace them them with neon banners saying ‘Go to Work! Save your livelihood!’ In other news, the churches are finally open. Yaaay, or not. You have to book an appointment to go and worship, you’ve got to wear a mask, leave your details for ‘test and trace’ and my particular favourite, no singing. Well, who could pass that up? Obvs, I went to sleep and woke up in China. You are allowed to speak the hymns to one another 🙂 What’s the big deal? Imagine yourself at a Led Zep concert, all of you sitting 3 spaces apart, masks on, with the band speaking ‘Stairway to Heaven’ to you. Or my favourite, I imagine being at a Prince concert with all of us saying ‘Let’s go crazy’ to each other:

Dearly beloved
We are gathered here today
To get through this thing called life

Electric word life
It means forever and that’s a mighty long time
But I’m here to tell you
There’s something else
The after world

A world of never ending happiness
You can always see the sun, day or night

So when you call up that shrink in Beverly Hills
You know the one, Dr. Everything’ll Be Alright
Instead of asking him how much of your time is left
Ask him how much of your mind, baby

‘Cause in this life
Things are much harder than in the after world
In this life
You’re on your own

And if the elevator tries to bring you down
Go crazy, punch a higher floor

It’s even funnier if you say the words in a cut-glass accent. Ridunkulous. Here’s the lunatic genius himself in action so you can see what I mean. Love that whole 80s vibe plus he’s wearing more make-up than she is. I can do without the guy flashing the devil horns but Prince sure can play the geeetarr :

So, will I be going to church anytime soon with my government approval clutched in my little hand? Hell, no. What with the pope deciding that he’s no longer the Vicar of Christ, and the CofE doffing its cap and saying “Yes, bawse. Anything you say, bawse” to the government, I guess it’s just me and my God, nearer to thee and all. I’m currently reading Ezekiel, and no, it’s not a laugh riot but the theme in the Bible is: The word of the Lord came to Ezekiel, or Daniel or Jonah etc etc. I can’t remember the last time I heard any vicar/bishop/whatever say the word of the Lord came to him or her. The word of the Lord came to Justin, and He said, get thee a tape measure and measure out distances of 2 metres apart. Sanitise thine hands, and on no account let there be any praise worship in my house, lest I strike thee with a deadly virus that has a 99.7% survival rate, a plague so deadly that you can only know you have it when you take a coronavirus test, a.k.a a common-cold test. Because I’ve noticed that we are no longer taking Covid-19 tests but Coronavirus tests. Yep, you’ll test positive if you’ve had the common cold. Talk about through the looking glass. Yet Jesus shall build His church, and the gates of hell will not prevail against it.

If you’re of a mind to go on holiday, go to sunny Firenze. They’ll never pull the air bridge to Italy: that’s where all their posh pals go so you’re safe. Go to Florence, stay at The Hotel Laurus al Duomo which is great although I can’t make up my mind as to whether my room was haunted or not, but that’s a story for another day. While you’re there, go to Il Granaio which is just off the Piazza della Repubblica where I had excellent Carpaccio Bresaola con arugula e grana padano and Filetto di manzo lardellato alle erbe mediterrane with a vat of spinach. That beef was so tender, I could actually cut it with a spoon. The owners are amazing, Silvia immediately went online to order a facial oil as soon as she found out what I did which was very flattering 🙂 , and her hubby helped me pick my wine after a little wine-tasting session, not to mention the free glass of barrel-aged grappa after dinner. I’m sending Sylvia the facial oil as a gift. AlaraApothecary: we will supply oil for grappa 🙂

Centre of deliciousness (yes, that is definitely a word)

I coud talk about the new safe sex guidelines regarding wearing a mask which made me laugh like a drain (I thought people paid good money for that sort of thing already….) but maybe not. (‘Oh Bob! Bob!! I love you. Hang on, your mask has slipped. HEY! You’re not Bob!’ ‘Angela, is that you, babes?’), or the new guidelines for CPR that tell you to put a towel over the face of your resus patient (my advice, don’t go into cardiac arrest anytime soon) Instead I leave you with this excellent video that I took in the Piazza della Repubblica, showing real people having a real life and an actually funny mime artist. Apropos nothing, I have found that the walk from the Duomo to P.de.Repubblica is always entertaining; during this short visit alone, there was the selfie-stick seller who always yelled out “Hey, Beyonce” every time he saw me, to our mutual amusement. In the end I started dodging behind the Baptistry if the area was crowded. Then there was the Romeo who asked me to have a little drink with him. When I told him I was married, he said, “No problem, it doesn’t bother me” which I admit made me laugh. You gotta admire his chutzpah. If I wasn’t afraid that I’d end up chained to a wall in an underground laundry washing out ‘single-use’ face masks, I would have been tempted, he was so funny. Then there was Samuel from Senegal who gave me a leather bracelet and refused to take payment for it although I made him swap it for an el-cheapo coloured-thread one. La dolce vita.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1Mxq4sNuzn32PNcw12vWb_MRPtTUx-erH/view?usp=sharing

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An Italian Odyssey

Did you know that according to the Jewish calendar this year is 5780, which starts of the decade of ‘Peh’, the mouth. Last year ended the decade of ‘Ayin’, the eye. Interesting, no? Considering that we are all being told to be good little girls and boys and cover our mouths. I guess we had ‘see no evil’ and now we are at ‘speak no evil’ Only now, you can substitute truth for evil. AlaraApothecary: we help you win trivia quizzes. The spiritual premise here is that whatever you speak influences how things turn out for you. As it says in Proverbs 18:21, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.” so be careful what you profess into your life and that of others. In Matt 12:37 Jesus says, “For by thy words thou shalt be justified, and by thy words thou shalt be condemned.” Eek. Don’t really fancy judgement day much. Afterall, the Bible says God brought the world into being by speaking, “Let there be light, and there was light“, that’s how powerful the right words by the right person can be. At the annunciation, “Mary said, Behold the handmaid of the Lord; be it unto me according to thy word” Jesus is actually often referred to as The Logos, The Word. Sorry, I’m an etymology-nerd, what can I say?

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1Jm7MnqeM22Jjmerj77PV-AF02cxR5axC/view?usp=sharing

I’m in sunny Firenze for a much longed-for break. As you can see from the video, to paraphrase the old but memorable Foster lager ad, Italians don’t give a 4X for Covid masking. Despite the daily catastrophe reportage in the UK about the severe Italian lockdown and the way they are dropping like flies, the reality is very different. I did meet the obligatory mask nazi at the airport but her outrage was much tempered by the fact that the colleague sitting next to her was wearing her mask around her neck 🙂

The beautiful Arno in all its glory

So, what’s happening here in Florence? Well, we all put a mask on when entering a shop and immediately take it off when exiting. Outside the shops, those who feel vulnerable wear one. The vast majority, non. Social distancing? Come on, this is Italy, probably the most tactile nation in the world. Contact tracing apps, leaving all your details, a DNA sample and a full copy of your genome sequence? Non. Everyone gives strangers room but there are no morons jumping into the path of oncoming traffic because you are approaching them on a pavement. It is crazy hot, and all you can see is people pulling down their mask to breathe for a while and then pulling it up, vaguely round the nose. Most stores don’t give a damn about how secure that mask is and quite often people genuinely forget to pull them back up. A quick question: which shops are busy with sales – those with a securiy guard who may or may not police masking such as the department stores, or the little shops without a guard and a salesperson who is more concerned about dying from starvation if their business fails before they die from Covid? I actually timed myself – I can tolerate a max of 3 minutes behind a mask before I start sweating profusely and look as if I’m spiking the mother of all fevers. Not a good look re: covid’s many, many symptoms 🙂 I have spent very little money in those shops, let’s put it that way. I’m spending all my money on food instead. The Osso Buco a la Fiorentina at La Cantinetta was amazing. I didn’t want to wait 25 minutes while they cooked the rice so I had it with grilled vegetables instead.

Fabulous food and a river of wine

As for the whole quarantine of goods, changing rooms are open, you can try clothes, shoes, earrings, you name it. They just wipe the earrings and put them back into stock and clothes go straight back on the racks. It would seem that Italians with their history of changes of government every few months or so put zero confidence in the pronouncements of their clueless politicians and are applying their common sense. If there are loads of people in Florence with friends and family who are at death’s door from Covid, they are covering their sadness with having a terrific time. Until then, they are fast going back to the old normal. In fact one of my favourite bars Coronas Cafe is doing a roaring trade as can be seen below. That bartender was in a pretty good mood:

Coronas cafe; excellent gelato as big as my head. Mascarpone and Caramel 🙂

Meanwhile in Blighty, deaths are now in single figures but that doesn’t scare people enough so let’s switch to number of cases instead. Everyone stay home until we find the elixir of immortality. Good luck with that. Jobs are being lost in their thousands every single day, the GPs are still closed and the hospitals are still empty. Thousands of cases of cancer, diabetes, incipient strokes and heart attacks are being put on the back burner. Pubs must close if schools reopen. Eh?? That’s a non-sequitur nonpareil. What’s the link? It’s the year of the mouth; I respectfully suggest that we remove our muzzles and demand our lives back. Hate to break it to them but life has a mortality rate of 100% unless the Lord returns first and I’m guessing that most of you are agnostic/atheists so you’re not banking on that. I intend to live my life to my best capacity, my new constant utterance being ‘resist the devil, and he will flee you’. No messing about! Have a wonderful week and consider booking that holiday……Buona sera.

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